Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Top 30 signs you are from Jewish Elizabeth, NJ

A walk down memmory lane....
For all of my friends who grew up in Elizabeth (and Linden) I hope you enjoy!

From dunkin donuts correspondant Arye Dworken


Before starting...please realize, this list, as all others on bangitout, was created with Love... and a lot of sarcasm. It is not made to be taken seriously. Have fun and visit Elizabeth today.

30. You adamantly and staunchly declare that Elizabeth has the best damn Chinese food and pizza. Period.

30.b You are personally best friends with Aryeh the Pizza Guy Jaschinsky

29. Anything even remotely against R' Teitz is sacrilege and you are going straight to hell. Even if you were joking.

28. Akiva Resnick, Akiva Sausen and Pete Kessel are revered as basketball gods. Some boys even have fantasies of a one-on-one with Akiva and Akiva.

27. You remember the good old days at JEC, before it was RTMA, when the toughest thing as a senior was deciding how to spend your free periods. a)golf b) student lounge video games c) basketball.
the toughest part of your other high school years was deciding which TV shows to watch at night.

26. the only town with tons of Jewish kids yet nothing even remotely near a hangout for them on Sat. nights. Although, if you were sketchy, your options were hi-q, bowling w/the white trash, or movies in a dirty theatre too afraid of dying to concentrate on the plot.

25. as a high school kid you waited the whole week for Friday afternoons, right after school, when you could get a chance to hang out w/the Bruriah girls while waiting for the bus.

24. Getting lucky on a weekend was getting the key and playing ball in the "old" gym. The newer million dollar gym, was off limits unless Resnick got the key from his mom, Shulamith Resnick.

23. you remember the good old days on sun. mornings in the summer when softball at "Palsey Park" was a big deal, and kids maybe got to play catcher and bat once. now just getting a 7 on 7 is a huge deal.

22. your town is used a reference point for people from linden ( see Dworken, Arye (who is the coolest guy to come out of JEC - ed. note), et. al) in describing where their town is. " you know right near Elizabeth".

21. you never thought of moving back there when you got married, yet here you are, bemoaning the fact that you cant get into teaneck apartments, so you're living on the "North Ave" side temporarily.

20. before that, the only time you saw people from that side was on tashlich. Or when that side had a chulent kiddush.

19. every time you walked home on Shabbos with a girl, the whole town automatically assumed you were engaged to her even if you were only in the seventh grade.

18. on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur you cursed the chazan, and rued the day he first came to Elizabeth 40 years ago, wishing he wound up in Miami instead. you did this, as you were praying for forgiveness.

17. You went to or worked at camp kehila for countless years, yet have 0 fond memories of it.

16. you know all the crazy people on Elmora Ave. (like the guy who thinks he is Madonna) and at the train station - lets be honest, nothing like riding the train back from NYC at 2 am.

15. hot 22- need we say more.

14. Yelling in shul is completely normal - You've seen all the great fights in shul over the years, you learned a "bissel" of yiddish from the bidding wars on the yomim noraaim and you're certain that Sal really hates Jewish people.

13. Rabbi Jaffe has hit you on the head with an Olameinu.

12. You've been through more principals than you've been through underwear.

11. You stay far away from the hermit that lives across the street from the school, next door to the Mayerfelds (bonus fact: the Mayerfeld's son's name is Mayer - if he ran for Mayor, he would be Mayor Mayer Mayerfeld)

10. You have been yelled at by Mrs. Lalouch, Mrs. Lazar or Mrs Dauber; maybe all three yelled at you at once.

9. You prefer Hot Bagels bagels because they were there first and besides the Kashrus controversy adds more of an appeal.

8. You wash on three slices (Rabbi Teitz said so)

7. and speaking of Rabbi Teitz; you know the urban myth that the Rav was known to use banana as karpas on Pesach night.

6. Junior, Sal, Simcha, Ray.

5. Seeing your rabbeim in the Mikvah erev Rosh Hashanah without their clothes on.

4. Rabbi Snow, at one point, has called you "a bump on a log."

3. Dunkin' Donuts erev Pesach is the place to be.

2. the G.O. is the shadiest business in the area next to that beeper store on Elmora Avenue.

1. You spent way too much time at Daffy's waiting for your mom to finish shopping.

From G.L.

10- Your counting down the days till you graduate and move out of elizabeth.

9- You still have nightmares over Kehila/Chaverim.

8- You wonder what this strange thing called homework is (only for JEC people).

7- You dream of the days before RTMA and "Ronie".

6- At 5:10 all the guys are looking out the windows at the Buriah Freshmen.

5- You don't expect the idiots at dunkin doughnuts to get what you order right.

4- The "coolest" thing to do in elizabeth is to hang out at the pool hall in Linden.

3- You've been caught by Bill Goldfisher stealing his booze.

2- You wonder if there are Girls (or boys) your age in Elizabeth

1- Majority of the minyan is at a kidush during the Haftorah (Rather was)

From Josh Shron

11. Your teachers had last names like Nutkis and Elephant.

10. You still sing to yourself, "A horizontal line has a slope of zero, a vertical line has no slope." Come on, sing along!

9. Rabbi Shlomowitz's ears. 'Nuff said.

8. The only way to pretend that JEC actually had "school spirit"? Mandatory Shabbatonim.

7. You ran errands all over the tri state area for Rabbi Killstein during school hours.

6. Overheard at Rabbi Teitz's sex talk to seniors:

Q: "Rabbi, are you allowed to have sex on, say, the kitchen table?"

A: "But you have to EAT off that table!"

5. Also at Rabbi Teitz's sex talk - the official acknowledgement that girls are not a myth and ACTUALLY exist! (but don't tell anyone...)

4. You laughed at those idiots who, instead of going to Frisch like NORMAL

people, actually drove every day from far-away Teaneck to attend such a lame school and ...wait - I WAS one of those idiots!!

3. You bought Cliff Notes at the stationery store on Elmora minutes before your English class.

2. So did your English teacher.

1. You often wondered, "who would actually want to LIVE here?"

From Meems K.

Can sum up in three words... "The Tucker Mullet"

From Dan G 10 comments from the Dark Side, :

10. You're only 8 minutes from Greenwhich Village if you are going 125 in your friend's parents' new Cadillac on a "city run".

9. Making new friends with all those nice ladies hanging out behind Sam Lachs's office at 2am (see Moshe's #9). Sundays after noon also.

8. 4 kosher restraunts, 5 sports bars, 6 strip joints.


7. Five finger discount at Jersey Garbage Mall.

6. Polacks at Dunkin Donuts - ever notice nothing ever costs the same price twice? Can they even count?

5. Varsity jackets at Pizza Hut. Who only had soda?

4. What's up with the rabbi who is like 4 years older than the seniors? I preferred the good ole senile characters who didnt miss you while you were shooting some nine holes or other "college day" activity.

3. Telling people you live in the Elmora Hills section of Elizabeth. You're better off just lying.

2. Magazines with covers at Frankies. Making friends with the old owner of the newspaper shop for all the right reasons.

1. "Friday night fights" at the JEC. Dont' forget Kol Nidre night, every other shabbos, and whenever someone looks at the psycho Israeli guy funny....which is evreyone after he's knocked back a few watered down shots at the kiddush club.

From Suri GrusgottMemories of an Elizabeth Boarder:

Boarding earned you questions like, "You live with Rabbi Oratz?" or "Do you like have to talk to the family?"

An after school adventure was walking home with Mrs. Freudenberger while she was 9 months pregnant, but speed walking, and leaving you in the dust.

Going to the mini mart with Ms. Tucker was a gym activity. Not realizing that Ms. Tucker was gay was a sign of your more innocent years.

When going home for Shabbos via the Elizabeth train station, adults in the community told you to look alert and reminded you not to talk to strangers. Thus, you ignored people who asked for the time or for change... (On the train, I held my bags in my lap the whole way to Philly! waiting for our stop.)

Bruriah basketball games were an occasion that boys could come watch the girls in sweatpants. Very risque.

DAADI (saw mere glimpses- all the more alluring)

Making fruit roll up centerpieces for Lakewood Shabbaton.

Buying astringent for my face, scared of the pollution clogging my pores, because my introduction to Elizabeth was my father's reference to it as the "armpit of NJ."

From Poohbabysw@aol.com

you called Amnon, "oh high and mighty master"

From John Dole

One word.... Rosie

From TROPIKANA14@aol.com

ive been waiting for one of those all 14 years ive lived in this ghetto town and each one of them is hilarious (except the few that were before my time) heres a few updated ones: 1)you never see any girls during the day so you logically asume they come out only at night

2)you remeber Superior (across the street from the former Kosher paradise)

3)you remeber at keast 5 different stores the current 99 cents depot once was

4)the only white kids to be seen either think theyre black or are hardcore white trash

5)theres a 99% chance you went to JEC/Bruriah

6)you once helped Bill Goldishcer set up for shalosh seudos

7)even before that you were chased away by Bill from the old man drinking club (meets during the haftorah)

8)youve spent time every day wishing you lived anywhere else

9)you wish u could have gone to high school in the "real JEC" days (your only memories of those days are the police cars outside JEC when you were in 4th grade ..circa 94'-95')

10)your freshman class has 40 kids while somehow your graduating class has only 10

11)you wish there was still the damm TURKEY BOWL so that for once it woulsd be kool to be in elizbaeth

12)at some point in ur life u went to dora golding

From Moshe Kolat more signs

1. the old pizza shop across the street was better.

2. "big macher" burgers in the old deli.

3. you remember the old card store on elmora, where dovid pincus was the reigning video game champion.

4. pre thunder and lightning there was the chargers basketball and lancers hockey.... R.I.P.

5. the smell from the garbage dump in staten island is blamed on our town.

6. old people have shoved you out of their way at a kiddush.

7.using a taped wiffleball batand a tennis ball for baseball at recess in the old lot pre the new school building

8. if you thought you were too cool for kehila/chaverim, yet too religious for yhoca, you worked in kindercamp ( hi mom)

9. you know what really goes on by the old train tracks late at night

10 as a sr. you got a sex talk from R' Teitz.... pretty scary....

From Josh

1. You remember running to Frankie's to buy Bubblicious gum, Funions, nd assorted magazines.

2. You've been sent to the dungeon (old locker rooms) for detention.

3. You remember Kineret on Westfield Avenue.

4. You liked the pizza served for JEC school lunch (whitebread, tomato paste, and american cheese).

5. You've been sent to Dunkin' Donuts by Rabbi Kilstien.

6. You remember the big bust of '94 - '95.

7. You've worked as a mashgiach at New Kosher Special.

From Bonnie Goldberg a true "Elizabethian":

All I can say is I TRULY appreciated every single one of these…...“you can take the girl out of Elizabeth, but you can’t take the Elizabeth out of the girl”.

From A.L. An Elizabeth son-in-law:

10. Realizing that there really aren't 10 funny things about Elizabeth. But you have to go anyway.

9. The sight of the Route 1/9. Free at last, free at last, thank god almighty, i am free at last!!!!!!

8. They really think Sternberg and Dora Golding is a step up over the Y.

7. The frummies don't realize that we are modern-orthodox and they are frummies.

6. Notice to Elizabethans: Fork goes on the left, knife goes on the right (and by the way, the napkin, it's for the lap).

5. Getting to relive JEC/Bruriah memories EVERY TIME Arye comes over for Shabbat lunch. (Ed. note: I've been told by reliable sources that he wasn't exactly shopping at Urban Outfitters back in his Eitz Chaim NCSY days.)

4. Noting how cult-like the worship of the Teitz's can be.

3. Noting how cult-like the worship of Shani Leifer can be.

2. Explaining that I WAS NOT the reason why my wife wears pants. Shani Leifer is.

1. Pretending to be Shomer Negiah when you visit Elizabeth. Even after you're married.

From Dina Gielchinsky An Elizabeth girl's point of view:

1. Doron Fetman. Siiiiiiiiggghhhhh.

2. You knew a hell of a lot better than to let Sal tickle you.

3. Kehila was awesome. Give me Howard Goldfischer's fake bloody car accident color-war breakout over Morasha's wussy leaflet drop from a helicoptor any day. (does anyone else still suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder from that day?)

4. The coolest Dworken to come out of JEC was Aliza. Wasn't Arye that guy with the big glasses who used to stare at Nurit when she got off the bus at JEC? (ed. note: that was my way of getting revenge because i wasn't asked to collaberate on this.)

5. If you had a picture of a boy - ANY boy - it could be your cousin, some kid you babysat for, or your brother's camp Na'arim pictures, it went up on your locker until Ms. Shlomowitz told you to take it down.

6. You shopped and shopped for the right knee-length jean skirt. On Fridays when you went to the pizza shop you rolled it up so much that the waist band bulged out under your ribbed black turtleneck that you scored from Contempo Casuals.

7. If you had any friends from Frisch, you were golden. Friends from HAFTR or Westchester were also good. A friend from Ramaz could earn you an invitation to Josh Broide's senior party, and a part in the G.O. Mother-Daughter dance.

7a. You know how to spell Broide and Rozzezzodeh. You liked one or the other.

8. You just KNEW that Leah Kessler and Moshe Rosenstien would end up together.


From Elana Twersky(weekend resident in Elizabeth for approx 3 more months or until THE WEDDING):


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